Well As Myself

I had a teacher who led
and guided me back into myself.
A forgotten place...dusty and dark
Lost among the rooms of obligation
That come with loving others more
Than I dared to love myself.

Smiling through my days, grateful heart
Wonderful husband, beautiful kids, loyal dog.
Pouring all I could on them
For that's what good women do.
Thanked with kisses, kindness, and love.
Never questioning why I felt unwell
The sadness lurking behind my mask.

She taught me to love them freely
Joyously, passionately, with that grateful heart.
Yet, look inward, find the girl
I was once ~ all those dreams.
Turning my compassionate heart inward too
Filling my soul with the belief
I'm enough...just as I am.

~inspired by Six Word Fridays: Making Things Up~  Word for the week was "well".

Snow in July

*What did they get into now? Describe a time your toddler got into something they shouldn't have.
~Mama Kat's Workshop


This prompt brought back a flood of memories.  With three children I have many "toddler" moments... some funny... some sad..& some bittersweet. Now that my toddlers are 18, 16, & 13 years old respectively I can view those memories in a different way than I may have at the time. Maybe it's wisdom gained...God's trade-off for body sagging! :)

Our third child, our precious girl, was born with an infection and was given a 30% chance of surviving. (She is a sweet and sassy 13 year old now!) Hormones running rampant, as I drove back and forth to the NICU, life was a blur at that time.  I do remember an especially difficult day where Hannah was hooked up to new tubes, and another mother passed away from complications in childbirth.

I walked in our home at 11:00pm...so sad, weary, and not sure when I would feel the light shining again.  My husband embraced me, listened, and then said, "You may want to check on the boys before you head into bed."  As I opened the door my first thought was how yummy it smelled, followed quickly by my second thought of "How did snow get in here?" ...in July no less!! As my post-partum brain got up to speed I realized that it wasn't snow covering every surface and lightly dusted over the floor...it was baby powder! Our 4 and 3 year old decided to create a blizzard...inside... in the summer...just for the joy of it! I couldn't help but smile and cry at the same time as I looked at my two little guys fast asleep...surely dreaming of snowmen and sledding.

After my hubby promised to clean it up (whew! love him!) I couldn't help but think how God took the time to touch my day. I also learned it's all about perspective. Any other time I would have probably been impatient and upset about the mess. But on this night, I could only thank God for showing me that the world still was beautiful, magical, and just plain silly....and He showed me that through the mischievousness of my two little guys.

Yes, what a wonderful world.  <3

The Happiness Project

Ok....I'm sure I'm a little late jumping on this

bandwagon but I have to say that

I've spent some time on this website

and

I love what I saw!

I ran up to our local Barnes & Noble to get my own little copy.

No luck!

So tomorrow I'm heading out again on my quest.

If all else fails I can order off Amazon.

Trouble is that once I make up my mind to do something I want to do it now!(insert "haircut").

I can't wait to read the book.

I need to focus on myself a bit which is hard to do when you're the mama....even if my "little ones" aren't so little anymore!

I feel alone in this blog world because I haven't spread the word to my family & friends yet.

There is so much that needs to be done and so very much to learn.

Right now it doesn't reflect my creativity or vision

but

I'm trying to be gentle with myself...use nice words...and generally be compassionate about the fact

that I'm self-teaching myself everything blog related.

The Happiness Project

will be a great reminder to me that joy and happiness have so much more to do with choices than circumstance.

Can't wait to discuss it!

Oh yeah, I have to buy it first! :)

My Prayer

   
Lights down dim….Night time prayers …in his race car bed for one… with his list of “ God bless mommy, daddy, trains”….

Watching his eyes of blue closed tight…praying for wishes and sweet dreams…so confident that God would always listen.

The sweetness of those kisses and the purity of those prayers….no one told me on which night they all would end.

My little boy grew bit by bit….and lost a piece of innocence…and it happened when I wasn’t even looking.

So Father …now it’s me… with eyes of blue closed tight and praying…feeling as if I’m in a game of Hide and Seek.

Looking for my baby boy ….who is lost and so unsure …although he thinks he knows exactly where he is.

I know that You still see him even though he won’t see You.

And I know You listen to his heart since he’s not speaking.

Please keep holding tight to him…. As he runs, explores, and grows.  Lead him home to You…and help him become a man.



*This was inspired by a teenager who has given up faith in any Higher Power*

Shared on:  Poetry Potluck
            

Joy and Powder

To see someone lit up from within because they are doing something they love is a beautiful thing!

Actually,

I should say to see someone text as if they are lit up from within...that would be a more accurate assessment.

My husband, Denny, decided to take our son, who is a senior in high school, to Colorado for a long weekend.

I have been receiving short texts that just radiate joy!

Both my "boys" love to snowboard

so this has been a perfect few days for them.

Sun, snow, and mountains to conquer.
I love the whole idea of it

Cam soaring high

Denny flying a little lower...but still flying!



Denny taught our son how to ski when we lived in Switzerland

and

then progressed to boarding as Cam hit the teen years.

Teen years can be wonderful and difficult all at the same time..\

Truthfully...

they can be both in the span of a hour!

Knowing they can set aside the issues that

occur during these teenage years is

such a delight for me.

Knowing they are experiencing what they both love

is such a delight for me.

Knowing they are together making memories that will last forever is such a delight for me.

Knowing that Denny is experiencing this with his

little boy who has become a man

is such a delight for me.

And,

knowing that I can feel ALL of this from the

comfort of my favorite chair

with a glass of my favorite wine,

in front of a glowing fire,

is the

biggest delight of all!!!

Cheers!

For One More Day

Life is like a hourglass...and my life as a mom has made that fact very evident.

Those days have slipped through the glass, and I can't flip it over to start again.

So when I found this video on itunes I fell in love.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I've been feeling very nostalgic about my children.

And maybe THAT has to do with the fact that my babies are now teenagers.

And maybe the nostalgia is because it is so easy to look back at those times and remember the sweetness and light.....not the bitter and dark.

I remember the snuggles, the "butterfly" sandwiches, and how each of my babies had a special song that I sang just for them....and amazingly, back then, they thought I sang awesome! Ah, the naivety of youth.

I remember the nightly prayers, their unwavering belief in God & mommy and daddy, and how the lists of "God bless "so-and-so" would go on and on and on. 

Yes, I was guilty of wanting to sometimes hurry them along...

so desperate

 for some "me" time after the sheer physicality of caring for three little ones under 5 years of age.

Yet now...as I think of them at 18, 16, and 13 years old I long to go back for just "one more day".

One more day of holding chubby hands, and giggling over

knock-knock jokes.

One more day of dandelion bouquets, dirty little cheeks just begging to be kissed, then washed, then kissed again.

One more day of Power Rangers, Barney, Winnie the Pooh, and Bear in the Big Blue House.

One more day of 2 adorable little guys and one beautiful princess all cuddled on my lap together...like a litter of wiggly puppies.

My head tells me that one day I will look back at these days of "teenager-hood" ....

and I will long for "one more day"of this.
The empty Mountain Dew bottles and crumbled chip bags.
The conversations and connections made during 
late night hours.
The love that is tranforming into something new. 

Yet my heart, at least for today, longs for the innocence of those first years, the wonderment of all that we discovered, and the knowledge, that as their mommy,

 I could chase away anything scary by saying "Bad dreams go away...Good dreams come and stay."

For just one more day.....


Please listen to this

Like a Virgin...

This is my first post.

Feels really strange as I type this because I really have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm not sure I like my background, not sure if I like my title, not sure if I like the font, not sure if I like the overall feel of it.

Indecisiveness...which is perfect...since it is my constant partner in creativity.

Self-doubt is always lurking under the surface, and it's never ending presence has held me back for too long.

Soooooooo.....

I am posting this....as is!

And I will continue to learn, play, explore, and create with this blog.

Eventually I will get it.

So take THAT self-doubt!!