My Song for Today

If you want to skip my words and just get the good stuff go ahead and take a listen.

For any of you still here...I was excited to see this prompt at Mama Kat's Writer Workshop..."Tell us about your song".  As a self described music junkie I could never in a million years just pick one song.  I think I have an ongoing soundtrack that accompanies my life.  Yet, I could pick a song that sums up how I feel exactly at this moment...on this day...in October 2011. 

The song is called "Unafraid" by Amy Grant.  The lyrics are so authentic and the simplicity of the music just touches my heart. I love how she focuses on her husband, then children, then finally her mom while weaving God through the tapestry of the song.

I'm at a stage in my life where fear is popping up at unexpected (and expected)moments.  The fact that I'm trying to raise three teenagers while trying to look out for aging parents may have something to do with that fear. 

I thought I would share three scenes from the last 24 hours of my life coordinating them with each verse. 

1st verse:
     My husband was off work yesterday and we spent some much needed time together.  (Wink! Wink!) He made me feel beautiful with his actions and words.  Enough said about that.

2nd verse:
     Last night my son left to take his girlfriend home.  A few minutes later I get a call from his girlfriend's phone. My immediate thought was...car accident! I said hello...my heart in my throat...and he took a moment to answer.  I immediately went into "mom panic voice". 
    "Cam!! Are you alright?? Talk to me! What's wrong?"  (Praying that there is someone out there who can relate to this so I don't feel completely crazy!)  He answered, "Just wanted to let you know that my phone died. Didn't want you worrying."  My heart returned to it's regular beat, and I felt foolish.  In my defense though I must say that I have got the accident call before....3 times to be exact...so my fear in not totally unfounded!
    Along with that comes the fear of what each of my kids are doing when they are away from the nest.  Typical teenage behavior does not seem so typical when it's my own children. Couple that with the knowledge that they are still searching, questioning, and testing their wings...and yes, I'm not too proud to admit that they have not always made the best choices. Needless to say there is a little fear going on here at my end.

3rd verse:
    Went to visit my mom and dad this morning.  Just a drop in visit which are the best!  As I sat and watched my mom's hand tremble while she sipped her coffee, then struggle to get dressed, I realized that she is aging every day, and it is very evident now.  My dad then came home and mentioned that he had fallen in the restaurant  parking lot where he meets his buddies each day.  Once again...my heart is in my throat.  Feelings of protectiveness, love, and longing for the days when they were strong and their footsteps sure rose within me.  It was extra hard to say good-bye to them this morning.

    
Among all of these small, everyday events I know that God is woven. 
His words come out of my husbands mouth... 
His watchful eyes are on my children...
His strong hands are there to help lead my parents through this last season of their lives...
and when I take the time to ask Him, to invite Him into my day, 
His love can make me unafraid.

This song is mine today...and I claim it. Hope you enjoy

UNAFRAID

(Amy Grant/Wayne Kirkpatrick)

Woke up this morning

with you in our bed

going over and over

everything you said

Who taught you how to speak

the words that you say

I've always wanted to

be talked to that way

Love has made

has made you unafraid

Watching my children

finding their way

thru struggles and triumphs

and heartbreak

I hope the roads they take

Are making them strong

I'll still be on my knees

Long after they're gone

Love has made

Love has made

Love has made

Has made me unafraid

My lovely mother

Is getting on in years

And the way her body's aging

brings her girls to tears

The way she trembles with

each effort she makes

She just says Heaven's

getting closer each day

Love has made

Love has made

Love has made

Has made her unafraid

Love could make

Love can make

Love will make

Make you unafraid…

 

If You Really Knew Me...

 If you really knew me....

You would know I'm struggling with the slow process of letting go of my children. When they were younger it was difficult at times. The sheer physicality of caring for them...wiping bottoms, noses, mouths, anything that moved...I wiped!  Consoling the weepy, kissing the needy, laughing with the carefree, frustrated with the stubbornness and unending determination of three children who wanted to do it their way.
....and it was hard. 

Yet I was queen of the kingdom. I could pull up the drawbridge, and we were all safe in our palace. I could control choose those things that I wanted them to learn...that I wanted them to soak in like little sponges. 
.....and all was right with our world.  

Then...they ventured out of our kingdom.  Little adventures... and they would come back telling me tales of glory or defeat depending on the day. Calender time and show-and- tell gave way to big kid's stories. Who they sat with at lunch and how they did on their projects were all shared at the end of the day.
They were writing their own life stories with each days memories.
....and I was still a part of it.

Now it's different....and my head knows that this is the way it should be.  Teenagers are finding their way...testing their independence...trying to figure out what is solid in their world and who they want to be apart from mom and dad. Starting to build their own unique kingdom. My head knows this. Yet, my heart? My heart is still fighting the inevitable.
.....and it's painful.

People tried to tell me when they were smaller. "They grow up so fast, enjoy them while you can" was the standard line I would get from those more experienced parents.  They would share the stories of their teenagers. Dating, driving, drinking, drugs, drama.  All the D words. All the things that put fear in a mother's heart. But those things were so far away.....far, far away in a distant place. I had pictures to paint and pudding to make. 
...and I didn't really understand.

I didn't understand that even when they are 18, or 16, or 13 I would still see glimpses of my little companions. My heart soars as we share a joke, a smile, a poignant moment. But some days that's all I see..glimpses. As they struggle for their independence they seem at times....strangers. But wait...these are MY babies. Flesh of my flesh..bone of my bone....and I used to know every part of them intimately. How can those familiar eyes be locked with mine....and look so unfamiliar? I am no longer queen of their kingdom.
.....and I feel left behind.

 I can't pull up that drawbridge anymore...not without their permission. They are making their own choices, fighting their own battles, and earning their own victories. I used to worry about them crossing the street or getting in a car with strangers. Now it seems much bigger. They are driving to different cities and getting in cars with other teenagers.
...and I feel scared.

I also struggle with the illusion. You know the one..the illusion that other moms don't struggle with darker feelings. Because, let's be honest, there are certain things that we don't want to talk about; things we don't even want to admit to ourselves. Since we don't talk about it I wasn't quite prepared when that feeling came. That feeling of not liking their choices, and at times  not liking the person they appear to be. There!  I said it... the thing that most moms don't want to admit. The fact that although they are my beloveds I don't like them at times.
....and I feel guilty.

In my kingdom of old, I forgot to mention the king. That isn't because the king isn't important...because he certainly is! It's just in those early days he was off slaying dragons... or something like that... while I was home keeping the fires burning.  I need to mention him now because he is essential. He is my partner, my friend, my love, and the person I would still choose to spend a whole day with.  I haven't put all my identity, all my story, on our children. We've worked hard on keeping the "us" in our marriage....in remembering that it began with the two of us and someday it will be just the two of us once again.
...and I feel grateful.

This time will end. I know that the teenage years are not forever. I just wish I had been better prepared for the onslaught of emotions that would tumble around me. I knew their hormones would be going rouge..I just didn't know mine would also.  Yet, my compassionate oldest son throws me a grin as he walks out the door, keys in hand saying, " It's ok Mom. I know it's your job to watch over and worry about me. I love you".  My middle one, my 6'1" sunshine boy, wraps his arms around me in a bear hug...giving me his own brand of reassurance. My precious baby girl, going through the 13 year old angst I remember so well, falls on my lap wanting to be snuggled for just a moment. Still needing her mama's touch.
...and I feel encouraged.

So....if you made it this far ....and if you really knew me...you would know that I'm struggling with relinquishing my throne. Yet this shouldn't be surprising. Motherhood is born in a mixture of pleasure and pain, and those are emotions we never outgrow. The holding on, the letting go, the bitter, and the sweet, all come with the journey. Watching them come into their own...watching them "becoming"...is a privilage.
...and I feel blessed.   



Hopelessly Lonely

Like cattle being led to slaughter

she feels herself pushed closer to the double doors.
Aware of hard bodies pressed against her softness,
the ride of her shirt up her full torso,
the pinch of her jeans... her mothers choice... cutting into the flesh that spills over the top.
Feeling the silent expectation that her body fit into this piece of denim, conform to this size.

Her mind begins the battle that is waged daily..same time, same place.
A small salad, light dressing, is the healthy choice.
This she knew.
If not a healthy choice than no choice at all, she determined
as she burst through narrow doors into the vast room.

Eyes, like a missile, lock unto the bar filled with vegetables...cold, hard and unyielding.
Laughter, close to her ear, causes a sideways glance.
A cut of the eyes to the impossibly thin, effervescent girls to her left.
Feeling their judgement, trying to ease the lump building in her throat, she slides past the salads.
You've decided...it's no choice then!  Keep moving.
The voice inside her head whispers.

Her eyes catch a reflection of herself and the lithe girls reflected in the stainless steel.
Her body appears immense, her features swollen, her breasts overabundant.
Disgust, sadness, resignation wash over her like oncoming waves.
Her movements quicken, feeling the girls impatience pushing her from behind.
Blindly grabbing, she turns to survey the tables.
Tables filled with raging hormones, false bravado, illusion.
She doesn't fit.

Mercifully, she escapes....slipping into the bathroom....unseen.
Closing the stall door she perches on the porcelain seat.
Tucking feet up, she tries to make herself smaller....tries to make herself disappear.

Glancing to her hand she sees what she mindlessly grabbed.
So pretty in it's pinkness....so perfectly made.
Slowly lifting it to her mouth
She feels the cakey texture yield between her teeth.
The sweetness of the frosting dancing across her tongue.
The rich density sliding down, filling the hole so deep within.

This is the taste of friendship.
This is the comfort of companionship.
Feeding the hope that tomorrow will be different.
Tears trailing silently down her cheeks.


Inspired by:  Mama Kat's prompt~ Write a poem about hope.
                    The Red Dress Club~ write a piece inspired by this delicious shot.

**Note**  I usually write two seperate entries for these sites.  This week I've been ill so I tried to combine the two prompts.  Thanks for your understanding and my apologies to anyone who is offended.

Lessons from Mom

1. Date your husband~ My mom and dad are not the mushy, never "raise your voice at each other" type of couple. They are feisty, real, funny....and they adored us. Yet, they never failed to make time for each other. I can remember watching my mom blot her lipstick on a piece of Kleenex leaving perfect kiss prints. With a spray of perfume, a word to the babysitter, and a smile as bright as the sun she would float through the door with my dad.  Sometimes it was Dance Club, or dinner with friends, or even a house party with adult laughter and dancing. Whatever it was I felt secure in their love as I watched them head out the door...and I knew that tonight was the night that I got to eat frozen Banquet Mac & Cheese for dinner. Yes! Life was good.

2. Faith~ The foundation for her life. Never preachy or judgemental. Just a steadfast belief that God was always with her...every step of the way. As I grew older and learned more about my mom's life and losses I was amazed that she survived with such grace and not a trace of bitterness. The reason? Her spirit is one with God.  Church was (and still is) her second home.  It became mine also.

3. Nurture your friendships with women~ As much as she loves my dad my mom also loves her girlfriends.  Some of my earliest memories are of those ladies laughing, crafting, playing games, drinking coffee, and always talking. She values her friendships, and now at 80 years old, has seen too many of those women pass away. There is the sadness, but overshadowing all of that, is the happiness they shared. Friendship is so worth the risk and inevitable pain.

4. Keep it clean and tidy~ Well....let's be honest. She taught this, I try to live it, but she is a Ninja cleaner. I can only aspire to be like her someday in this respect.  I loved having the cleanest and best-smelling home in the neighborhood. Bottom line is she taught me to take care of what God has blessed me with.

5. Different people show love in different ways~ My mom was not a speaker of  "I love you" as I grew up.  Actually my dad was the distributor of abundant affection and loving words.  My mom, having never experienced that as a young girl, wasn't as comfortable. Yet, I never doubted her love or even noticed that she didn't say the words often.  She showed it, with every fiber of her being, by lavishing her attention on all of us kids. She showed me that love is a verb. You "do" it...not just say it.



6. Give of yourself...no strings attached~ My mom's legacy is going to be one of giving. She is famous in our small town for always having the time to send a card, make a visit, cook a meal, dry some tears, or organize any kind of event.  If I tried to describe what she gives in her daily life you would think I was exaggerating. Let me just say  She. Is. Amazing. 

7. Cook~ I know most of us think our moms are the best cooks in the world. Mine really is! :)

8. A few curls and a little lipstick never hurt anyone~  This line used to drive my up the wall! My mom always looks pretty and put together.  I, on the other hand, am very comfortable running into the grocery store sans makeup sporting a ponytail.  Even as an adult, when I see my mom she is likely to remark, "Oh honey, you look so pretty. I love it when you put a few curls in your hair." I think I've finally learned at 44 years of age, it isn't about the hair and lipstick. It's about the fact that I'm still her little girl and she wants to "doll me up".  Once a mom, always a mom.


9.Inner strength~
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” quote from Winnie the Pooh

Pooh summed it up best.  My mom tries to tell me this everyday in her own words.  Through her inner strength she has shown me mine.

10. I am loved....just the way I am~  I wasn't the smartest kid in my class, or the most athletic, or Homecoming queen.  I didn't win any scholarships, become famous, or earn a million dollars.  Yet, my mom's eyes light up every time I step in the room. She makes me feel adored....and isn't that about the best thing a mother can make her child feel? Although she knows my faults, she focuses on my strengths. She makes me feel as if I'm more than enough. I am her blessing, and in that truth I feel blessed.

*I know this is lengthy, and sentimental, and probably filled with a million cliches. Yet, I needed to write this for myself....and maybe for my mom.  At the age of 80 (almost 81) she deserves an entire book about how amazing she is.  I condensed it for this post! :)

To Move Or Not To Move? This Is The Question....

What would it take for you to get up and move?
                                   ~Mama Kat's Workshop

Hmmmm....not a whole lot!
I should have prefaced that by saying I absolutely love raising my children where we are and have never regretted giving them these past 10 years to visit grandparents, experience small town living and put down roots.
What can beat the feeling of a Friday night football game in a small town? (don't answer that!)

My husband and I grew up in this little town but we left for many years.  15 years for me to be exact.  We chose to move back out of love but I'm starting to experience a problem now....
itchy feet and the yearning for adventure. 
The  most amazing thing about this is that I am a homebody.  I'm not fond of changes in any form.

But I've had a taste of that adventure, and I lived to tell.

14 years ago we packed our belongings and children (we didn't actually pack them!) and moved to a little village outside of Zurich, Switzerland.

We lived there for 4 years....experiencing Europe on "The Toddler Tour"!  Our children were 5, 3, and 5 months old when we headed back to the Old Country leaving all of our relatives (and potential babysitters) behind.  So anything Denny and I saw, the kiddos also saw! 
It was crazy...and I mean...Crazy with a capital C!  Many stories to share about the culture shock we experienced...most of them hilarious.

But I digress.

The original question remains...What would it take for you to get up and move?
 Two answers...depending on the day.

Reality based:  Aging parents we love, teenagers to graduate, jobs, roots that need to grow deeper for just a bit longer. We stay here.

Fantasy based:  I'd be on a plane with my sweethearts in a minute....ready to breathe it all in and shine it back out.  The adventure, the excitement, the growing, and the joy...even the tears and homesick moments...I'd take it all.

But for now... I will turn on the Travel Channel, mix up a mojito, slice up some Swiss cheese served with  French bread.
 I can have my virtual cross-cultural moments right here, right now.... until God decides it's time for us to pack 'em up and move 'em out!

Week of Inspiration

What inspired you this week?
            ~Mama Kat's Workshop



Hmmmm...I had quite a bit inspire me this week. Although I may not have a lot to show for it I have so many ideas bouncing around my head!

I'm new to this blogging world so like any tourist I've been busy running around...trying to see all the sites I can...following the blogs that I know I want to come back to again and again...then spending endless time clicking on link after link after link....  

"...and go round and  round and round....in the circle game...."   Joni Mitchell

Sooo...here's my top 4 list for the week....drumroll please!

1.       I was VERY inspired by this! Love, love, love it!! Did I mention that I loooovvve it!?  Alas, loving something so much does not necessarily give me the confidence to attempt it myself....but I'm seriously thinking about it.  The idea of a gallery wall that includes photos and words is MY idea of perfection. This is definitely on my "inspiration list"!
2.      This book has been a very new inspiration since I just purchased it 2 days ago. I have, however, read the first 4 chapters, and I can safely say that I'm motivated to live my everyday life with eucharisteo~ grace, thanksgiving, joy.  (and I'm also inspired to make my own list of 1000 gifts!)
3.       I have been stalking  visiting this blog.  Creating a mini-destination while using what I already had in my home really inspired me.  I drafted my big, strong son and his friend to bring down an unused table from our bonus room.  I nestled it in our great room next to the stone fireplace. Pulled up one of my favorite big, overstuffed chairs and placed upon the table a pretty lamp with a pull chain, a plaque featuring a quote I love, a stack of my grandparents/parents old books, a globe set high on a silver base, and my laptop computer.  Voila! I now have a beautiful writing  nook...someplace where I can sit, dream, write, & create. The reason I tried to paint a word picture  is because I still don't know how to upload photos to my new computer and blog!!  I long to post some photos so those of you who stop by can see I'm real...with a real home...and real dirty dishes!  Someday my photos will come....(sing to the tune of  "Someday My Prince Will Come..")
4.      Finally, the soundtrack of my week has been this.  I have loved Lori McKenna for years! Her simplicity and the beautiful reality of her songwriting inpires ME to be simple, beautiful, and real.  Take a listen if you can. She is musical poetry.

There, my friends, is what inspired  ME this week.  How about YOU?



Snow in July

*What did they get into now? Describe a time your toddler got into something they shouldn't have.
~Mama Kat's Workshop


This prompt brought back a flood of memories.  With three children I have many "toddler" moments... some funny... some sad..& some bittersweet. Now that my toddlers are 18, 16, & 13 years old respectively I can view those memories in a different way than I may have at the time. Maybe it's wisdom gained...God's trade-off for body sagging! :)

Our third child, our precious girl, was born with an infection and was given a 30% chance of surviving. (She is a sweet and sassy 13 year old now!) Hormones running rampant, as I drove back and forth to the NICU, life was a blur at that time.  I do remember an especially difficult day where Hannah was hooked up to new tubes, and another mother passed away from complications in childbirth.

I walked in our home at 11:00pm...so sad, weary, and not sure when I would feel the light shining again.  My husband embraced me, listened, and then said, "You may want to check on the boys before you head into bed."  As I opened the door my first thought was how yummy it smelled, followed quickly by my second thought of "How did snow get in here?" ...in July no less!! As my post-partum brain got up to speed I realized that it wasn't snow covering every surface and lightly dusted over the floor...it was baby powder! Our 4 and 3 year old decided to create a blizzard...inside... in the summer...just for the joy of it! I couldn't help but smile and cry at the same time as I looked at my two little guys fast asleep...surely dreaming of snowmen and sledding.

After my hubby promised to clean it up (whew! love him!) I couldn't help but think how God took the time to touch my day. I also learned it's all about perspective. Any other time I would have probably been impatient and upset about the mess. But on this night, I could only thank God for showing me that the world still was beautiful, magical, and just plain silly....and He showed me that through the mischievousness of my two little guys.

Yes, what a wonderful world.  <3