Writers Block...and Fear

Staring at this white box...blank except for this first sentence.
Why am I feeling so nervous?
At a loss for words? 
Wanting to say I'm sorry?
Such silliness...but that's how I feel.
I've been gone from my blog because I've been without a working computer. 
I've explained this before...why do I feel that I need to explain again?
Apologizing is something I think I overdo.
It's not as if I've let down anyone.  We, who love to blog, throw our words out there because we HAVE to. It's an urge, a nudging, a need.
I'm sure that there hasn't been anyone out there mad because for some reason Breathe...Shine...Love...hasn't had any new posts for a couple months.  It's my own insecurities, ones I don't even realize I still have that rear their ugly heads and try to hold me back from JUST DOING! That whisper for me to just be quiet...give up.
I've been living my life...writing my story each day with my actions, feelings and prayers.
It's time to give some voice to that story.
So...freeing myself of any guilt.
Typing aimlessly so that black words dance across this white box...any words will do at this point!
Relishing in the fact that my computer is up and I can blog...even if I'm the only one looking at it.
Delighted that I can once again use this space as another way to give life to my 2011 Word of the Year....create.
Rejoicing in the fact that this post is done.
Now blog life can slowly get back to normal.
Hello me...it's good to be back.

Truth, Shame, and the Crazy, Busy Lives We Lead

I'm sitting here tonight...hands poised over the keyboard. Not only do I have stage fright since I've only posted once this whole month, I've also forgot how to do simple things. 

Two months ago I posted this. I talked about my Word of 2011 which is create.  Yet, here I am, again, and I have not been creating. I've been back working full time, hubby is home recuperating after surgery, and we are preparing for our oldest son to graduate. These plans include an Open House party for about 300 people.  Literally, I feel as if the world has been spinning at warp speed, and I'm barely hanging on. 

I'm not trying to wine whine.  I know that we are all busy, and my burdens are bearable. What I'm trying to figure out is why, when life gets crazy, I still slide into my default setting....which is to stop taking care of myself.

I am avoiding looking at mirrors.  I am avoiding looking at my house.  I am even avoiding looking at my family.  I am doing what needs to be done but I am not doing it with the same sense of joy that I have in the past.  What little I have in me I am pouring out to others...and in the process leaving little behind for myself. 

That voice of compassion that I extend to others I am not extending to myself.  That acceptance that I offer to others is not so easily offered to myself.  That feeling of hope that I have in my heart for those that are struggling is not alive in my heart for myself.

I just started reading another book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown. The book deals with the subject of women and shame.  Before I started reading her work I would have said that I don't carry shame inside. Yet, I know now that I did..and I do...I just called it by other names....embarrassment...poor self-esteem...guilt.  I am now naming it for what it is, and I'm learning to practice shame resilience with courage and compassion.

But...I have a long way to go.

Back to my post on my word for the year...create.  I think when I am not honoring myself, when I am not valuing who I am, I smother my creative spark...my voice.  I don't feel that I should post anything that is less than uplifting or inspiring. In doing so, I am not being authentic.

So tonight...this is me.  In all my authenticity...in all my openness...sharing what my struggle, at least for today is.  I hope that in all of this vast Blogsphere there is one woman who will "get" me.  One woman who can say, "Yes!  I know how she feels."  Because in this great beautiful gift that is  my life, I have learned that to be connected to others is the only way I can experience true joy. 

Connectedness to God and to others...that is the light that carries me home.

It feels good to be back, even though I am not writing the lighter, happy post that I wanted to return with.  Yet, this is the truth. This is me. 
And the truth I know is......that this too will pass. These feelings ebb and flow...just like the rhythms of my days. 

I am looking forward to "seeing" more of you, my blog friends.  I have been MIA, and I may not be around consistently until I learn how to better manage my life. But I am here now...in this moment...creating something by sharing part of my story...and it feels good!

   Stop by for a visit!