Two months ago I posted this. I talked about my Word of 2011 which is create. Yet, here I am, again, and I have not been creating. I've been back working full time, hubby is home recuperating after surgery, and we are preparing for our oldest son to graduate. These plans include an Open House party for about 300 people. Literally, I feel as if the world has been spinning at warp speed, and I'm barely hanging on.
I'm not trying to
I am avoiding looking at mirrors. I am avoiding looking at my house. I am even avoiding looking at my family. I am doing what needs to be done but I am not doing it with the same sense of joy that I have in the past. What little I have in me I am pouring out to others...and in the process leaving little behind for myself.
That voice of compassion that I extend to others I am not extending to myself. That acceptance that I offer to others is not so easily offered to myself. That feeling of hope that I have in my heart for those that are struggling is not alive in my heart for myself.
I just started reading another book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown. The book deals with the subject of women and shame. Before I started reading her work I would have said that I don't carry shame inside. Yet, I know now that I did..and I do...I just called it by other names....embarrassment...poor self-esteem...guilt. I am now naming it for what it is, and I'm learning to practice shame resilience with courage and compassion.
But...I have a long way to go.
Back to my post on my word for the year...create. I think when I am not honoring myself, when I am not valuing who I am, I smother my creative spark...my voice. I don't feel that I should post anything that is less than uplifting or inspiring. In doing so, I am not being authentic.
So tonight...this is me. In all my authenticity...in all my openness...sharing what my struggle, at least for today is. I hope that in all of this vast Blogsphere there is one woman who will "get" me. One woman who can say, "Yes! I know how she feels." Because in this great beautiful gift that is my life, I have learned that to be connected to others is the only way I can experience true joy.
Connectedness to God and to others...that is the light that carries me home.
It feels good to be back, even though I am not writing the lighter, happy post that I wanted to return with. Yet, this is the truth. This is me.
And the truth I know is......that this too will pass. These feelings ebb and flow...just like the rhythms of my days.
I am looking forward to "seeing" more of you, my blog friends. I have been MIA, and I may not be around consistently until I learn how to better manage my life. But I am here now...in this moment...creating something by sharing part of my story...and it feels good!