Monday, May 23, 2011

Truth, Shame, and the Crazy, Busy Lives We Lead

I'm sitting here tonight...hands poised over the keyboard. Not only do I have stage fright since I've only posted once this whole month, I've also forgot how to do simple things. 

Two months ago I posted this. I talked about my Word of 2011 which is create.  Yet, here I am, again, and I have not been creating. I've been back working full time, hubby is home recuperating after surgery, and we are preparing for our oldest son to graduate. These plans include an Open House party for about 300 people.  Literally, I feel as if the world has been spinning at warp speed, and I'm barely hanging on. 

I'm not trying to wine whine.  I know that we are all busy, and my burdens are bearable. What I'm trying to figure out is why, when life gets crazy, I still slide into my default setting....which is to stop taking care of myself.

I am avoiding looking at mirrors.  I am avoiding looking at my house.  I am even avoiding looking at my family.  I am doing what needs to be done but I am not doing it with the same sense of joy that I have in the past.  What little I have in me I am pouring out to others...and in the process leaving little behind for myself. 

That voice of compassion that I extend to others I am not extending to myself.  That acceptance that I offer to others is not so easily offered to myself.  That feeling of hope that I have in my heart for those that are struggling is not alive in my heart for myself.

I just started reading another book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown. The book deals with the subject of women and shame.  Before I started reading her work I would have said that I don't carry shame inside. Yet, I know now that I did..and I do...I just called it by other names....embarrassment...poor self-esteem...guilt.  I am now naming it for what it is, and I'm learning to practice shame resilience with courage and compassion.

But...I have a long way to go.

Back to my post on my word for the year...create.  I think when I am not honoring myself, when I am not valuing who I am, I smother my creative voice.  I don't feel that I should post anything that is less than uplifting or inspiring. In doing so, I am not being authentic.

So tonight...this is me.  In all my all my openness...sharing what my struggle, at least for today is.  I hope that in all of this vast Blogsphere there is one woman who will "get" me.  One woman who can say, "Yes!  I know how she feels."  Because in this great beautiful gift that is  my life, I have learned that to be connected to others is the only way I can experience true joy. 

Connectedness to God and to others...that is the light that carries me home.

It feels good to be back, even though I am not writing the lighter, happy post that I wanted to return with.  Yet, this is the truth. This is me. 
And the truth I know is......that this too will pass. These feelings ebb and flow...just like the rhythms of my days. 

I am looking forward to "seeing" more of you, my blog friends.  I have been MIA, and I may not be around consistently until I learn how to better manage my life. But I am here this moment...creating something by sharing part of my story...and it feels good!

   Stop by for a visit!


  1. Hi Kristi!
    This is a wonderful post. If you write like this, with such compassion and authenticity, there is no need to post more than once or twice a month:-) I loved this topic because it is how many of us feel. It seems we can never do enough, be enough, give enough, pray enough or say enough to satisfy our need to be "every woman." Truth be told: We never will live up to our expectations, but the Lord loves us, anyway. He loves the fact that we are trying, but most of all, He needs us to slow down enough to be with Him and only Him. He is our Father and we need to hold His Mighty Hand, in order to walk in His Path and Light. So, don't feel bad! Know that Your Father loves you, no matter what! In this realization, all the other pieces of the "life-puzzle" fall into place. Be blessed and know that you are in my prayers. Cynthia

  2. I could have written this post almost word for word. Im exactly the same and I bet most women are. Don't feel guilty just keep trying a little everyday (bare in mind I'm saying this and I don't do it either!)xxx

  3. This morning I checked my email and found that you left a comment on my blog. I'm so glad you did because, had you not, I may have missed this lovely post. I needed it.

    I understand where you're coming from with work, family and self. Do the best you can and toss that guilt away.

    I also prefer to keep my blog(s) positive but often find myself wondering if I should open up more and share my life's challenges. I'm still undecided on that issue but when/if I do, I'll remember your post. It's a beautiful and honest example of how to do it right. You have a very special way with words and I hope you'll find the spark you need to keep them flowing.

    Wishing you all the very best!
    Teresa @ Lillian Inspired

  4. It sounds like you are in survival mode! Hang in there!

  5. I loved your honesty in this post. Shame is something I struggle with as well- but tend to "fancy" it up with a different word- embarrassment, guilt, etc- also. I appreciated your truth :-)

  6. ok this is crazy because I just went through this. I left blog world and things were different in real life and I changed. I lost my closeness to God. Things still aren't perfect and I still feel a little lost. The blog I have now is new. I deleted my old one and decided that my new one I am going write what I am feeling and just be open and honest. Thank you for stopping by my blog today. I appreciate it

  7. I think we've all been there at one time or another. Just hang in there. It will all work out. It just might take a while.

  8. I feel for you. I don't know about you - but nice weather seems so short that I try to squeze everything in and it gets crazy!

    I realized yesterday I racked up $56 in library fines - because that got out of control - something I am normally so on top of!! That made me so mad at myself.

    It is hard to find time for everything and unfortunaly no one complains when we short ourselves.

  9. Wow. You do need to blog should stop by on Fridays for Friday Fragments.
    I actually could have written this too. It is definitely a woman thing to just do whatever it takes for everyone but ourselves. I do hope you get a chance to breathe.
    I am a new visitor and follower via Tara's Mid Week Mingle.

  10. (don't know if you got this via e-mail, but thought I'd post it now that I can!)

    In Mark 14:8 Jesus says, of the woman who annointed him with perfume, "she did what she could." He goes on to say that wherever the gospel is preached what she has done will be told in memory of her. SHE DID WHAT SHE COULD. I love this simple sentence. And, more imporatantly, Jesus' appreciation of the gesture and the effort that she made. I know exactly how you feel ~ from learning to juggle it all to what the default mode tends to be. There are so many days when I say over and over...just do what you can, Adrienne. Then I have to take the next step and accept that it's enough, that I'm enough. And continue to learn how to care for myself. It's funny, on this journey to 'self care' there are some times (ebbs and flows, I think you said) when careTAKER mode is actually needed. Doesn't mean we've lost our way ~ just put the journey on hold. In the end we are taking care of those we love ~ blessings will flow from that! Thoughts are with you! So glad to hear your heart this morning ~ Adrienne

  11. It's hard, isn't it -- just keeping up. Sounds like we've had a similar month. One of these days I'm going to clean my house again and some time after that, I'm going to start posting regularly again. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on the writing and hope that everything else works itself out.

    Good luck to you too!

  12. YES, I know how you feel! After you left your comment on my post, I had to come over and read this. It is comforting to know there are others out there who do understand.

    We are just so busy giving ourselves away to everyone else that there is literally nothing left for us. How do you recuperate and recharge when you don't have any energy left just for you? I so know what you mean.


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