At Least For Today

I wake up to the alarm...beeping incessantly.
My head tightening in that familiar ache...Migraine Day.
Shuffling in the semi~dark I find my pills and swallow.
But at least for today I can administer this medication on my own.
No nurse wearing plastic gloves as she places toxic fluid marked with a warning label into my veins.

Waking up the kids who don't want to wake I see the dirty dishes piled in the sink and overflowing onto the surrounding counter.
Messes are in every room. Every. Room.
But at least for today my muscles have strength and I can clean.

Kids calling to me. Putting voice to their needs.
"Please turn the dryer on wrinkle release, Mom!"
"Can you make my lunch?"
"Mine too!"
"Leaving my uniform here. Please bring it to the Ortho. appt."
"Remember mom...you're working concession stand tonight!"
"Where's all the stuff you made for bake sale today?!"
Listening I can feel the headache band tighten.
But at least for today I can meet these needs. I don't have to reassure them that mommy won't die today.

The scent of peanut butter and  the bright lights of the kitchen make me nauseous.
Feel the rolling of my stomach.
But at least for today I know this will pass. Nausea won't be my daily companion.

Throwing on my sweats, I cringe as I catch a glance in the mirror.
Bed head hair, dark circled eyes, and bigger than desired body.
Wondering how I can blend in so nobody sees me as I drive to school.
But at least for today I have hair, and my body isn't wasting away from disease.

Tasks and thoughts tumbling through my head.
To do lists forming, growing longer and some panic creeping in.
How will I can all this done today...especially with this migraine?
But at least for today I'm not riding to a CAT scan to find out if my tumor is shrinking or continuing to grow.

Perspective is always something that is needed.
My friend Carrie is going through all of my "but at least for today thoughts".
So although I can't rip this tumor out of her... I can't rid her body of this horrible disease...
At least for today I can pray for her.
At least for today I can love her.
At least for today I can do all I need to do in honor of her because for at least today she isn't able to do these things




**These are the thoughts in my head...unedited.  Carrie, a wife and mom of 2 young children is fighting a battle with advanced cancer. She is so loved. She is so needed. Today is her CAT scan. She's had 8 weeks of chemo with 10 more weeks to go.  If you are someone who prays I ask you to please send up a prayer for her although you don't know her. She has dark hair, blue eyes and a beauty of both face and spirit that lights up a room.  She is a prayer warrior and prays for countless others every day.  I'm asking that the prayers be for her today. Thank you so much to all who can pray.
Blessings~
Kristi


Linking up with Write On Edge   

Linking up with Pour Your Heart Out


Linking up with Just Write
This is the fifth installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details and some examples here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up.

Linking up with dVerse....a really cool community of poets. Drop in
and sit a spell.

Let Your Light Shine

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. Nelson Mandela

 This quote and this picture came together and made sense for me today.

The quote is talking about shining...

letting yourself shine...

and I've always had difficulty with that particular phrase.

I believe it... I embrace it... but I don't always live it.

This photo is one my husband snapped of me in NYC about 18 months ago.

I love the way the different lights of Madison Ave. shine.

I remember how wonderful I felt at that time of my life. 

I was at my best mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I am not there now.

This quote spoke to me today.

The photo, especially the way the one light shines and highlights my head, spoke to me.

Maybe in a very small way God spoke to me.

Maybe He's reminding my that humbleness is a virtue...

but to humble myself

to the point where I meet countless other's needs but ignore my own,

is not what He desires.

To hide my "light" because I'm afraid of what others think

is not what He desires of me.

 When I do that I'm not being the person He truly created me to be...

and the people who are around me may not allow themselves to shine either.

I know in my heart what I need to do in order to shine.

I know that my physical self needs to be put back in balance.

I've lost my belief that I can do that.

This quote and photo reestablished that belief.

Late in life I'm learning that it isn't vain to shine.

God doesn't smile when I forget to take care of myself.

He placed a light inside me.

It can be a beacon..an invitation for others to shine brightly.

Shine for Him.

Linking up with "Sunday Citar"

Linking up with Weekend Hop   

                                                        

Linking with Just.Be.Enough    

Snow Run

Frozen feathers...downy soft yet crisply cold.
Transforming sidewalks and lawns into iced meringue...smooth without a blemish.

My furry friend's nose pressed against the window...mine also there... just a bit higher.
I reach for the leash..seeing her begin her dance without me even uttering w-a-l-k.

My eyes scan the room...sticky dishes, mountains of darks needing to be fluffed and folded.
My ears hear the dispute...the teenage squabbles rising above the blasting song of the week.

The inner chaos of home in sharp contrast to the outer peace waiting beyond the pane.
Soft brown eyes meet my baby blues...longing, loyalty and trust.

I slip into the thick jacket, mismatched mittens, and last year's snow boots.
My partner in crime needs nothing but her silky golden coat.

One more glance at the lived in home.
The scuff marks, the disarray of five lives lovingly intertwined. 

The two of us slip into the sharp cold and we run....footprints painting an abstract in the snow.
Experiencing the best kind of freedom.

Knowing the golden light spilling from the windows will welcome us home.
Just not yet.





This week we asked you to take us somewhere. Where was up to you -fiction or creative nonfiction- but we asked you to use your words to paint the setting as vividly as possible. In 200 words.
Link up here.



Why Not?

A rule follower all my life.
Coloring within the lines drawn before.
Happily conforming myself...fitting the mold
That was formed, fired and set
By the ones who traveled first.

Happiness was found, contentment there too.
I like coloring neatly and precisely.
Yet need I do it always?
Do I have to keep myself
Limited to what I already know?

Aging has brought wisdom and questions.
Now when faced with a choice
Instead of saying I can not
I choose to say... why not?

Create a blog out of nothing?
I just asked myself...why not?
Sleep in till noon on Monday?
I will ask myself... why not?

Running my first 10 mile race
When I was 44 years old?
I chose to say... why not?

Loving wholeheartedly? Dancing in living rooms?
Eating french fries under the covers?
I delight in saying... why not?

My kids reaching for their dreams?
Kissing my husband in the rain?
I will always say...why not?

Living a life full of intention?
Breathing the joy of being alive?
Letting the love of God flow
Through the minutes and the hours?
I must always say...why not?


http://melissacamarawilkins.com/blog/      
Inspired by the words~ Why not?

My Song for Today

If you want to skip my words and just get the good stuff go ahead and take a listen.

For any of you still here...I was excited to see this prompt at Mama Kat's Writer Workshop..."Tell us about your song".  As a self described music junkie I could never in a million years just pick one song.  I think I have an ongoing soundtrack that accompanies my life.  Yet, I could pick a song that sums up how I feel exactly at this moment...on this day...in October 2011. 

The song is called "Unafraid" by Amy Grant.  The lyrics are so authentic and the simplicity of the music just touches my heart. I love how she focuses on her husband, then children, then finally her mom while weaving God through the tapestry of the song.

I'm at a stage in my life where fear is popping up at unexpected (and expected)moments.  The fact that I'm trying to raise three teenagers while trying to look out for aging parents may have something to do with that fear. 

I thought I would share three scenes from the last 24 hours of my life coordinating them with each verse. 

1st verse:
     My husband was off work yesterday and we spent some much needed time together.  (Wink! Wink!) He made me feel beautiful with his actions and words.  Enough said about that.

2nd verse:
     Last night my son left to take his girlfriend home.  A few minutes later I get a call from his girlfriend's phone. My immediate thought was...car accident! I said hello...my heart in my throat...and he took a moment to answer.  I immediately went into "mom panic voice". 
    "Cam!! Are you alright?? Talk to me! What's wrong?"  (Praying that there is someone out there who can relate to this so I don't feel completely crazy!)  He answered, "Just wanted to let you know that my phone died. Didn't want you worrying."  My heart returned to it's regular beat, and I felt foolish.  In my defense though I must say that I have got the accident call before....3 times to be exact...so my fear in not totally unfounded!
    Along with that comes the fear of what each of my kids are doing when they are away from the nest.  Typical teenage behavior does not seem so typical when it's my own children. Couple that with the knowledge that they are still searching, questioning, and testing their wings...and yes, I'm not too proud to admit that they have not always made the best choices. Needless to say there is a little fear going on here at my end.

3rd verse:
    Went to visit my mom and dad this morning.  Just a drop in visit which are the best!  As I sat and watched my mom's hand tremble while she sipped her coffee, then struggle to get dressed, I realized that she is aging every day, and it is very evident now.  My dad then came home and mentioned that he had fallen in the restaurant  parking lot where he meets his buddies each day.  Once again...my heart is in my throat.  Feelings of protectiveness, love, and longing for the days when they were strong and their footsteps sure rose within me.  It was extra hard to say good-bye to them this morning.

    
Among all of these small, everyday events I know that God is woven. 
His words come out of my husbands mouth... 
His watchful eyes are on my children...
His strong hands are there to help lead my parents through this last season of their lives...
and when I take the time to ask Him, to invite Him into my day, 
His love can make me unafraid.

This song is mine today...and I claim it. Hope you enjoy

UNAFRAID

(Amy Grant/Wayne Kirkpatrick)

Woke up this morning

with you in our bed

going over and over

everything you said

Who taught you how to speak

the words that you say

I've always wanted to

be talked to that way

Love has made

has made you unafraid

Watching my children

finding their way

thru struggles and triumphs

and heartbreak

I hope the roads they take

Are making them strong

I'll still be on my knees

Long after they're gone

Love has made

Love has made

Love has made

Has made me unafraid

My lovely mother

Is getting on in years

And the way her body's aging

brings her girls to tears

The way she trembles with

each effort she makes

She just says Heaven's

getting closer each day

Love has made

Love has made

Love has made

Has made her unafraid

Love could make

Love can make

Love will make

Make you unafraid…

 

Writers Block...and Fear

Staring at this white box...blank except for this first sentence.
Why am I feeling so nervous?
At a loss for words? 
Wanting to say I'm sorry?
Such silliness...but that's how I feel.
I've been gone from my blog because I've been without a working computer. 
I've explained this before...why do I feel that I need to explain again?
Apologizing is something I think I overdo.
It's not as if I've let down anyone.  We, who love to blog, throw our words out there because we HAVE to. It's an urge, a nudging, a need.
I'm sure that there hasn't been anyone out there mad because for some reason Breathe...Shine...Love...hasn't had any new posts for a couple months.  It's my own insecurities, ones I don't even realize I still have that rear their ugly heads and try to hold me back from JUST DOING! That whisper for me to just be quiet...give up.
I've been living my life...writing my story each day with my actions, feelings and prayers.
It's time to give some voice to that story.
So...freeing myself of any guilt.
Typing aimlessly so that black words dance across this white box...any words will do at this point!
Relishing in the fact that my computer is up and I can blog...even if I'm the only one looking at it.
Delighted that I can once again use this space as another way to give life to my 2011 Word of the Year....create.
Rejoicing in the fact that this post is done.
Now blog life can slowly get back to normal.
Hello me...it's good to be back.

A Blog? Really? What's That?

Question:  Has anyone else ever wondered if they are in a foreign country where everyone speaks the same language? The language that you DON'T speak?

Since I have lived in a foreign country and did not speak the language (well, except for the essentials such as "Where is the toilet?", "Half kilo of ground beef please.", or "I'm sorry!) I know that feeling of being dazed and confused.

So the next question is: Why did I ever think I could write a blog? More specifically: Why did I ever think I could write a blog since I didn't speak the language? 

Tonight, I was looking at some blogs where the topic was to compile a list of 10 tips you would give a new blogger.  As I started to read through some of them I was stunned. 
I repeat...stunned!
I really am speaking a different language because I didn't understand over half of what was being said!  

Culture shock!

RSS and Google FriendConnect icons on my page?  Facebook and Twitter buttons to connect? (Hmmm...I have a Facebook but didn't know it connects!)

Blog button?  Do I HAVE a blog button? Is that anything like a belly button?

Memes? Branding? Blog Frog? Klout?
Digg? Technorati? Reddit? Stumble?

Are we still speaking English here?!

The idea to write down some of my thoughts and feelings seemed so much simpler when I started this back at the beginning of the year.  My goal was simply to create...in whatever form that took.
Now, I'm a little worried that I haven't found my "voice".
I'm a blogger that is a bit all over the spectrum. 
Some say that's confusing. 
I prefer to say I'm eclectic.

Seriously, I'm sure the tips I've been reading are awesome...fabulous...life (well, at least blog) changing.
I can't wait to implement them.
But first, I need a course on how to speak Blog-ish.
Anyone care to join me?
   

Best Laid Plans....Again

I had the best of plans.

I posted that I was "baaaacckkk" a week ago after a long absence.

I couldn't wait to get back to my comfy chair, my writing desk that has my favorite inspirational items on it, and blog happy posts
 to my heart's content.

I was excited to participate in Six Word Fridays, Mama Kat,
Sunday Citar, and The Red Dress Club.
I was thrilled at the thought of reconnecting with my blogging friends.
I thought I had it all planned.

Then I got the early morning phone call.

Phone calls that come in the darkness of night

or first breath of dawn

are rarely ones that we want to answer.

It was a call I had been anticipating,
but not emotionally prepared for.

A very close friend of mine was taken to the hospital.
Her cancer has spread from her cervix....to her spleen...to her lungs.
She got the news that life for her was soon to be over.
Two weeks to ten months is what the experts say.

She is young....36 years old.
She  has a wonderful husband....Lucas.
She has two beautiful children....
Noah...8 years old
Emily...5 years old
She has a faith that is inspiring to all around her.
She has a beauty that shines from within.
Her name is Carrie...
and she is loved.

So those plans I had been making fell to the wayside...
as they should.
Carrie and Lucas are part of our small church group.
In fact Lucas and I lead the group of 9.
We always say we are a family, and this was the time to show that.
The phone calls started.
The 3 hour round trips to the hospital began.
The holding of hands, wiping of tears, praying of hearts, and
finding laughter in the darkness began.

The journey of saying goodbye began.

I have never been on this journey before.
I've never sat with and loved someone as they faced death.
No matter how heart wrenching,
I know it is a gift...
and a privilege...
and a time of grace.
 Still I couldn't help but think of plans.

How will we do this?
How will we do that?
How do we ease the burdens...lighten the load...show the love?
And in a moment of clarity,
I heard Him.

Don't plan...just be.

Be present in each moment
whether busy doing tasks that need to be done,
or offering comfort and shared prayers,
just be.

So, my best laid plans have changed.
My planned post topics have changed.
Life has changed for us all.
I know there are lessons I am to learn
on this journey.
And I ask for your wisdom, patience, and prayers as we
travel along.

I am going to do my best to start visiting all of you again.
I need the connection.
I need the inspiration.
I need the laughter.
I need to just be.
And you, my blogging friends, help me with all of that.
I'll be seeing you!

I'm Baaaaacccck!

Wow!

I truly think I forgot how to post!  I've been gone for a long time.  Although I'm not making excuses I must say that my reasons were valid.

1) Crazy, busy graduation time and closing up the classroom for the summer.

2) Wonderful trip back to Switzerland (where we used to live), Italy, and France.

      

     and, the most important reason...... 

3) A broken laptop!! 

  I must just say I've missed you all.  I realized how much a part of my daily life many of your blogs have become. 

So, if it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.....I am abosolutely over-the-moon in love with all of you!  :)

Looking forward to getting back in the swing of things.    xoxo

Joy In Spite Of Myself

Longed to write about joy today.
Other things got in the way.
Work to do, bills to pay.
Time is short, little to say.
Still...confident joy will surface anyway!


*5 minute poem before I rush off to work, but  I really wanted to contribute something today.  I miss everyone!

Inspired by:   Six Word Fridays~  word is Joy