The Best Laid Plans

I woke up this morning eager to get outside and begin planting the flowers that have been waiting so patiently, in their pots and flats, for their new home.  We are preparing for a big party celebrating our oldest son's graduation. We are expecting A LOT of people. We are not ready. 

When I awoke, the eagerness faded as I saw the gray skies outside. We have experienced days upon days of rain here. Trying to be optimistic, I told myself that the earth will be softer....easier to work with after this week long monsoon.  But as I stopped outside and my feet sunk an inch into the grass and water puddled around my footprint....my optimism waned a bit. 

I wanted to be outside before the day got too hot.  However, 52 degrees is a bit nippy for me when it's combined with the wet ground and damp air.  I wimped out and came back inside.  The plants will have to wait a bit more for "moving day".

There is much to be done inside.  Rooms to be organized and cleaned...little (and some big) repairs that we have learned to live without doing...menu to plan...calls to be made...pictures to organize...the list goes on.  Rest assured, there is plenty to keep me occupied inside.  But like a spoiled child I wanted to stomp my feet and whine, "Noooooo....I want to plant my pretty flowers todaaaaaaaaay!"  I craved that time of communion with God as I worked outside.

It looks like God has other plans...and, after my momentary tantrum,  I've graciously decided to just flow with them. Of course, what else can I do?  Yet, I have decided to face this Saturday with a smile, to let peace precede where stress wants to lead, and to bask in the sense of accomplishment that occurs when completing any task...big or small.

It seems as if my communion with God will be done over dirty dishes and messy closets.  Repairing damage rather than adding beauty .  On further reflection, I think maybe that's what was meant for me today.  Repair, clean, and organize the internal as I work on the external.

The flowers will still be there...waiting to bring their beauty...tomorrow.

Kept In My Heart

Pictures scattered as I sort them.
Piles of baby smiles, smeared cake,
Wobbly bike rides, missing front teeth,
Each brings a smile, a memory
I've kept them in my heart.

First day of school, grin wide
Backpack bigger than your little body.
Sending you, without me to buffer
The social customs, the language barrier
But you were sure and confident.
You were right, my worries unfounded.

Today...your last day of school.
Tousled hair..grumpy on being woken.
You want it over...you're ready
To move on..conquer the world.
Different feelings than the first day.
No snapshots this  morning you say.
Save it for the graduation day.
I try to respect your wishes
I quickly snap a mind picture.
Your smile, your scowl, your nonchalance
To be kept in my heart.

The worries that I still have
Hoping you make the good choices.
Sending you, without me to buffer
Into college life, all the responsibilities.
You are still sure and confident.
I pull the memories from deep
Kept for all these many years
For a moment such as this.
You were right that first day.
Reassure myself that you're right today.

I can't keep you to myself.
The world is ready for you.
You're ready for the world.
God bless and keep you, Son.

Inspired by the word~ Kept

Truth, Shame, and the Crazy, Busy Lives We Lead

I'm sitting here tonight...hands poised over the keyboard. Not only do I have stage fright since I've only posted once this whole month, I've also forgot how to do simple things. 

Two months ago I posted this. I talked about my Word of 2011 which is create.  Yet, here I am, again, and I have not been creating. I've been back working full time, hubby is home recuperating after surgery, and we are preparing for our oldest son to graduate. These plans include an Open House party for about 300 people.  Literally, I feel as if the world has been spinning at warp speed, and I'm barely hanging on. 

I'm not trying to wine whine.  I know that we are all busy, and my burdens are bearable. What I'm trying to figure out is why, when life gets crazy, I still slide into my default setting....which is to stop taking care of myself.

I am avoiding looking at mirrors.  I am avoiding looking at my house.  I am even avoiding looking at my family.  I am doing what needs to be done but I am not doing it with the same sense of joy that I have in the past.  What little I have in me I am pouring out to others...and in the process leaving little behind for myself. 

That voice of compassion that I extend to others I am not extending to myself.  That acceptance that I offer to others is not so easily offered to myself.  That feeling of hope that I have in my heart for those that are struggling is not alive in my heart for myself.

I just started reading another book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown. The book deals with the subject of women and shame.  Before I started reading her work I would have said that I don't carry shame inside. Yet, I know now that I did..and I do...I just called it by other names....embarrassment...poor self-esteem...guilt.  I am now naming it for what it is, and I'm learning to practice shame resilience with courage and compassion.

But...I have a long way to go.

Back to my post on my word for the year...create.  I think when I am not honoring myself, when I am not valuing who I am, I smother my creative spark...my voice.  I don't feel that I should post anything that is less than uplifting or inspiring. In doing so, I am not being authentic.

So tonight...this is me.  In all my authenticity...in all my openness...sharing what my struggle, at least for today is.  I hope that in all of this vast Blogsphere there is one woman who will "get" me.  One woman who can say, "Yes!  I know how she feels."  Because in this great beautiful gift that is  my life, I have learned that to be connected to others is the only way I can experience true joy. 

Connectedness to God and to others...that is the light that carries me home.

It feels good to be back, even though I am not writing the lighter, happy post that I wanted to return with.  Yet, this is the truth. This is me. 
And the truth I know is......that this too will pass. These feelings ebb and flow...just like the rhythms of my days. 

I am looking forward to "seeing" more of you, my blog friends.  I have been MIA, and I may not be around consistently until I learn how to better manage my life. But I am here now...in this moment...creating something by sharing part of my story...and it feels good!

   Stop by for a visit!



Sweetness At Thirteen

Tonight was sweet...

and the reason was my little girl.

Maybe I should clarify and say she is MY little girl,

but, at 13 years of age,

she is not a little girl to anyone else.

(Well...except to her daddy and papa.)

She is an enigma at times.

All those hormones surging,

and not quite sure what to do with them

she can release them on me.

With eye rolls, indignant voice, or just the closed door...

which in itself speaks volumes,

I am not often on her "favorite" list

for more than a few minutes at a time.

But, tonight....yes tonight!

She asked ME if I wanted to go run

on the boardwalk...

with her.

Gasp!

Seriously, she will laugh with me,

but that is usually in the privacy of our home.

To actually invite me to accompany her...

in public...

to a place where her friends could see her

running along side her middle age mom

is a rare honor.

And I say that without a touch of sarcasm.

So...

we ran.

Although my feet hurt from the long day,

and my emotions were raw from some hurtful events,

we ran.

We walked when I needed a break.

We laughed.

We made fun of each others music as I took her for ice cream.

We laughed.

We arrived home and found her dad and brothers

draped upon the living room furniture watching the news.

So she and I took the floor.

She came to me fresh from the shower

and asked me to french-braid her wet hair.

She wanted rolling waves for school tomorrow.

I braided...remembering how many times I've done this task.

And then,

she curled up, her head upon my lap,

and I forgot to breathe.

I touched her hair, her back, and stroked her arm lightly.

I blinked...

and she jumped up to go reply to a text.

But I had that moment.

Actually,

I had moments tonight.

They were rare and therein, lies their beauty.

There was a day I took the hugs, laughter and hands-on care

for granted.

But that day is long gone.

Yes,

tonight was sweet.

And the reason was my little girl.

 



Sniffles, Sneezing, and Easter...Oh My!

Sore throat. Sniffles. Sneezing. Sleepless nights. 

Not my choice for Easter week.

In our church we celebrate Holy Week...not only Easter Sunday.

It is hands-down my favorite time in our church.

Holy Thursday. Good Friday. Easter Vigil.

They all combine to cause an emotional and deep reaction to

the story of our Lord.

And I love it.

I just wish I could have participated with a feeling of wellness in my body.

Holy Thursday?

I almost skipped the feet washing ceremony because I just didn't have the energy to make sure my legs were shaved before I went to church.

Yes, I know, vain.

When I realized that my husband would be the one to wash my foot I quickly changed my mind

and participated.

He sleeps next to, and sometimes actually touches those unshaven legs, so

I was safe.

Good Friday?

The most heartrending day as we walk the road with Jesus (figuratively of course!).

It involves Adoration of the Cross which simply means as music plays softly the congregation precedes to the Cross, and each person takes a moment to touch the wood,

 head bent in private prayer.

It really is beautiful.

It really is long....2 1/2 hours.

 I almost fell asleep while waiting for my turn.

Easter Vigil?

The glorious Saturday night celebration.

Complete with fire, drums, rainbows of color, baptisms, boundless joy.

Celebrating the miracle of the Resurrection.

My husband and I, testy with each other because both of us were sick,

were not quite in a celebratory mood.

Little tension in the pew.

Easter Sunday?

Since the Easter Bunny had been sick I had some scurrying to do..and quickly.

Ran to Rite-Aide for some last minutes candy and I-tune cards.

Got caught when husband and daughter pulled up next to me in parking lot.

Proceeded to fill Easter Baskets in the darkness of the basement,

hide them,

and then send my 3 teenagers on a hunt to find them at....

12:00 noon!!

No early dawn hunt this year!

Then the preparing of dinner began.

Ham, pork roast, potatoes, asparagus with hollandaise sauce.

Candied carrots, gravy, double knot rolls, stuffed celery, strawberry shortcake.

My parents arrived.

Seeing them reminded me of why I was preparing this meal.

Their faces, at 80 and 78 years of age, are so dear to our whole family...

and we are blessed they are with us for another year.

Easter Night?

The realization in the stillness...

among the dirty dishes and scattered family members..

some at friends, some sleeping, some returned home..

The realization that sick or healthy,

happy or stressed,

big problems or small inconveniences

I am loved.

I am loved enough the He died for me.

Sometimes I can forget that in the busyness of my days.

And as I finished my Holy Week in front of a fire,

with a Hallmark movie

and glass of Pinot Grigio,

I couldn't help but think that maybe He understood

and maybe...

He smiled.

It's not in how well we serve Him,

it's that we serve and celebrate Him

in spite of circumstances.

Happy Belated Easter everyone!

The Freedom to Run

Tonight I'm going to post when I'm in an upbeat mood!  The last few posts have been when I was tired or overwhelmed.  Certainly don't want to be a downer for any of you that are kind enough to stop by.

Well, I started out as Debbie Downer this evening. Full day at work and full evening working at home....you all know the drill!  I have been telling myself over & over that I need to get back to eating healthier and back to running. I felt my best when I was doing those things.....but have just lacked the motivation or discipline.

I'm not sure what hit me ...maybe the Holy Spirit? :)....but at 9:15 I put on my running shoes and headed out the door.  I only ran 1 mile but I did it!  The cold air was taking it's toll on my breathing, but I must admit I feel better.

I am one of the most nonathletic people in the world, so the fact that I began running a year and a half ago is really a miracle.  I have been very sporadic with it the last 6 months but I'm planning on doing a 5K next month, and a 10 mile race in August. Better get these buns moving!!

My underlying reason for posting this is if I announce it to all of you maybe, just maybe, it will make me more accountable.  Discipline in my physical self-care is sorely lacking. 

Although the potato chips would have tasted better, I think I chose the right escape tonight....and for that, I'm grateful!

Weary and Wine

I've been feeling a bit weary lately. I think it's due to the fact that I'm back working full-time outside the home while still trying to work full-time inside the home.  My hubby has had to travel for work more than ever and has been gone most weekdays and weekends.  I miss his presence...the strong hugs, the smile at just the right moment, the sound of him breathing next to me in bed.  Although I adore our golden retriever, and am thankful to have her company, it's not quite the same hearing her sprawled out on his side of the bed.


We had small church group at our home last night, and although I don't feel a great burst of energy, I do feel a sense of peace.  I love the feeling of our close friends gathered together to share the Gospel, prayer, heartfelt discussions, laughter and, ultimately, snacks.  There is a glow they leave behind that is hard to explain. I can only say it must be the Holy Spirit.


So tonight, as I sit in the same room where our hearts and souls all opened last night, I will rememberer that everyone gets weary at times.  Even Jesus needed to withdraw at times in order to pray and rest.  I am in no means comparing myself to the Lord.....I just like the knowledge that even He had his moments!


I read this post tonight on ayala's blog, a sun kissed life, that soothed me. So....


For tonight I'm going to be kind to myself. 
For tonight I'm going to not focus on the new wrinkles, gray hair, and extra pounds that are on my body.
For tonight I'm going to be compassionate towards myself...not only to others.
And....
For tonight I'm going to open my front door to a dear friend,
pour us both a glass of wine (maybe even two!),
and share the lighthearted joy of watching our favorite show "Parenthood".
Some nights that is more than enough.


How is your night going, friends?  Are you being kind to yourself?

Soup, Sex, and Sunday

Today on Sunday Citar  I take you on a journey.
A journey from the silly,
to the serious,
to the oh, so true!
See if you can figure out which is which!
Enjoy~

What does good in bed mean to me? When I'm sick and I stay home from school propped up with lots of pillows watching TV and my mom brings me soup - that's good in bed.
Brooke Shields

Oh, for the days, when being "good in bed" meant easy-breezy relaxation.

The new sign I bought yesterday for our living room.
It inspires me when I feel overwhelmed about blogging, parenting, or life in general.

When you meet a woman that you think you like, don't ask her for a drink. Take her out for a bowl of soup. Because a woman who can enjoy a bowl of soup is bound to be more interesting. Art Cooper



My husband must be married to the most interesting woman on earth.
I had both the soup and the Pinot Grigio.
What a lucky man! :)

Please go and link up to the fun.



Restaurants + NYC = Bathroom Decor

My husband and I went on a get-away weekend to NYC last week.

It is one of our all-time favorite cities!

We have framed Playbills from the musicals we have seen,

yet

we have never hung them anywhere.

I came up with a strange spot

but

I think we're going to like it!

It's our master bathroom!

I can hear the laughter even now as I type

but to us it makes perfect sense.

We have long expanses of walls in there that have been neglected.

My theory is that some mornings

it's tough just getting out of bed,

much less going to work.

So,

being surrounded with pictures of things we love,

& places we've traveled,

all made possible because we DO work,

seems like a perfect way to start our day

on a happier note.

In addition to the Playbills I'm going to make a black & white photo collage of signs

from some of our favorite restaurants in NYC,

along with some pics of subway signs, city sights, or whatever else made us smile.

Here's a sneak peak at some of the photos I may use.

I need to crop and edit but wanted to share with all of you now.

I'm impatient that way!

Enjoy!

I will post photos of the bathroom when it's done.

We'll see how this experiment goes!

At least it's original (I think!).

Learning From the Young

When do we start to worry
about this need to be right?
Twenty-five kindergartners, bright eyes...shining..bursting
Hands flying up in the air
With nary a thought of "rightness".
Wanting their voices to be heard
Confident in their thoughts and answers.

Flash forward: middle school: less hands
are flying up in the air.
The smell of fear, embarrassment, humiliation
is wafting through the hormonal air.
Wondering if their answer is right.
Wondering if their hair is right.
Wondering if their clothes are right.
Wondering if they, themselves, are right.

Flash forward: adulthood: same basic worry
Just more subtle, just more grown-up.
Eyes scanning the conference room, checking
Eyes scanning the other women....checking
Eyes scanning their whole day...checking.
Do I fit? Am I right?

We can learn from the young.
We can embrace their bursting enthusiasm
Their philosophy that of course they're
Right. Just as they are. Right.
Because "right" isn't the best answer.
It isn't the best clothes... hair.
Job...children...church...talent...house...car.
Right is accepting ourselves as is.
Letting our own uniqueness shine out.
Secure in the knowledge that God
Created us exactly "right" for Him.

Inspired by:  Six Word Fridays~ word of the week is "right".

Linked to: http://dversepoets.com/2011/08/02/openlinknight-3/