Coloring with Freedom

Just Write....I love this link up! 
There's no topic to choose....just me and my words flowing out however I want.  That is such freedom! 
I love it....yet then I sit and ponder what I should write.
Thus, the dilemma.

I've learned that I like directions.  
I like to color within the lines. 
I'm happy to be the worker bee following along with whatever the queen bee dictates.
This is fine in some situations.  It's a quality that makes me a good team member. I'm easy to get along with because making waves is not what I do. 
And, hey, we can't all be the queens....those worker bees are pretty fantastic!

Yet, some days I know this characteristic holds me back, and too  much freedom paralyzes me sometimes. 
When I have a whole day ahead of me...and I know I have things to be done but I can choose when and how I do them?
Those are the days that I often accomplish the least.
Because there aren't any directions.
There are no lines for me to color within...so I scribble all over and don't create much.
But it's not the lack of lines that is the problem.
It's the lack of faith I have in myself.

If I can take freedom and embrace it. 
Let it open my heart and split my spirit wide.
Let go of the ever present need to perform and please.
Draw my own lines to help me stay on track.
I know I could soar more....and embrace the power that I often forget I have within.

I'm finding it a bit easier to do this as I age.
Maybe that's God's way of making up for the sagging body and stray gray hairs.
He's allowing me to gain wisdom...to be more confident in the person He created me to be.
His grace is helping me realize that "who cares?" if my endeavors measure up to anyone else's.

Open up the big girl crayon box and color away...that's what I'm going to embrace today!



Linking up with:  The Extraordinay Ordinary ~ Just Write

Linking up with:  Things I Can't Say

Truth, Shame, and the Crazy, Busy Lives We Lead

I'm sitting here tonight...hands poised over the keyboard. Not only do I have stage fright since I've only posted once this whole month, I've also forgot how to do simple things. 

Two months ago I posted this. I talked about my Word of 2011 which is create.  Yet, here I am, again, and I have not been creating. I've been back working full time, hubby is home recuperating after surgery, and we are preparing for our oldest son to graduate. These plans include an Open House party for about 300 people.  Literally, I feel as if the world has been spinning at warp speed, and I'm barely hanging on. 

I'm not trying to wine whine.  I know that we are all busy, and my burdens are bearable. What I'm trying to figure out is why, when life gets crazy, I still slide into my default setting....which is to stop taking care of myself.

I am avoiding looking at mirrors.  I am avoiding looking at my house.  I am even avoiding looking at my family.  I am doing what needs to be done but I am not doing it with the same sense of joy that I have in the past.  What little I have in me I am pouring out to others...and in the process leaving little behind for myself. 

That voice of compassion that I extend to others I am not extending to myself.  That acceptance that I offer to others is not so easily offered to myself.  That feeling of hope that I have in my heart for those that are struggling is not alive in my heart for myself.

I just started reading another book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown. The book deals with the subject of women and shame.  Before I started reading her work I would have said that I don't carry shame inside. Yet, I know now that I did..and I do...I just called it by other names....embarrassment...poor self-esteem...guilt.  I am now naming it for what it is, and I'm learning to practice shame resilience with courage and compassion.

But...I have a long way to go.

Back to my post on my word for the year...create.  I think when I am not honoring myself, when I am not valuing who I am, I smother my creative spark...my voice.  I don't feel that I should post anything that is less than uplifting or inspiring. In doing so, I am not being authentic.

So tonight...this is me.  In all my authenticity...in all my openness...sharing what my struggle, at least for today is.  I hope that in all of this vast Blogsphere there is one woman who will "get" me.  One woman who can say, "Yes!  I know how she feels."  Because in this great beautiful gift that is  my life, I have learned that to be connected to others is the only way I can experience true joy. 

Connectedness to God and to others...that is the light that carries me home.

It feels good to be back, even though I am not writing the lighter, happy post that I wanted to return with.  Yet, this is the truth. This is me. 
And the truth I know is......that this too will pass. These feelings ebb and flow...just like the rhythms of my days. 

I am looking forward to "seeing" more of you, my blog friends.  I have been MIA, and I may not be around consistently until I learn how to better manage my life. But I am here now...in this moment...creating something by sharing part of my story...and it feels good!

   Stop by for a visit!



Word for 2011

In January, when I first started to get serious about maybe creating a blog, I did some exploring. 

I found the idea of choosing a "Word of the Year" and claiming it for my own. 

Loved. This. Idea.

The word I chose?

Create.

What was I thinking!?!

I have spent hours trying to create this blog.

Hours that should be used taking care of my family.  I'm embarrassed to admit that it took about 5 hours just to learn how to make a banner on Picasa 3!

5 hours!

I could have cleaned a closet and made a gourmet dinner in that time.

The banner didn't even turn out the way I wanted. (whine)

Of course the gourmet dinner might not have either so that's a coin toss as to which was the better use of my time.

Seriously, I am wondering why I have become so devoted to this little blog.

I'm not trying to make money or collect 1000 followers.

(although I must admit I do love me some followers!)

So why am I doing this?

I guess I just took the circular way back around to the word.

Create.

I feel as if there are some things, and I'm still discovering them, that I need to express.

Whether this be through writing, photos, designs, or home decor it seems to feed something.

Something inside of me that has been quiet for a long time.

Looking back I suppose it was quiet because I was directing my energy elsewhere....primarily small children.

Now that my children are older they don't appreciate my butterfly sandwiches, Thankful Turkey displays, and splatter pictures quite as much.

My creativity needed another outlet. 

Hence, this blog.

Late at night, In the wee hours of the morning I have my insecurities.

I've never been this public about my writing...my feelings...my trials and mistakes.

Yet, I know I will wake in the morning....run to my writing space....and one sweet person will have left a comment.

That's all it takes, and it will encourage me.

To try.

To fail.

To get back up.

To create again.

Because there is one thing I have learned for sure during this small time I've spent in Blogging World.

People I have never met can make a difference in my life.

They are the ones who have made me laugh and cry...

Through their stories... their encouragement...their lives.

"They" is really you.

The you that is reading this right now.

Thanks for showing this little blog some attention and giving it some love.

I'm happy to give it right back at ya!

With all of you around me I feel as if I can really live 2011 while honoring my word.

Create.

Even if my attempts don't come out the way I visualize...

I will carry on...

I will create...and

 I will get to bed before 3 AM....but it's going to be close!

Sweet dreams.... xoxo

How about you? Do you have a word for 2011?
I know! I know! It's March already.
But it's still not too late to start.
What would your word be?
I would LOVE to know!