My Song for Today

If you want to skip my words and just get the good stuff go ahead and take a listen.

For any of you still here...I was excited to see this prompt at Mama Kat's Writer Workshop..."Tell us about your song".  As a self described music junkie I could never in a million years just pick one song.  I think I have an ongoing soundtrack that accompanies my life.  Yet, I could pick a song that sums up how I feel exactly at this moment...on this day...in October 2011. 

The song is called "Unafraid" by Amy Grant.  The lyrics are so authentic and the simplicity of the music just touches my heart. I love how she focuses on her husband, then children, then finally her mom while weaving God through the tapestry of the song.

I'm at a stage in my life where fear is popping up at unexpected (and expected)moments.  The fact that I'm trying to raise three teenagers while trying to look out for aging parents may have something to do with that fear. 

I thought I would share three scenes from the last 24 hours of my life coordinating them with each verse. 

1st verse:
     My husband was off work yesterday and we spent some much needed time together.  (Wink! Wink!) He made me feel beautiful with his actions and words.  Enough said about that.

2nd verse:
     Last night my son left to take his girlfriend home.  A few minutes later I get a call from his girlfriend's phone. My immediate thought was...car accident! I said hello...my heart in my throat...and he took a moment to answer.  I immediately went into "mom panic voice". 
    "Cam!! Are you alright?? Talk to me! What's wrong?"  (Praying that there is someone out there who can relate to this so I don't feel completely crazy!)  He answered, "Just wanted to let you know that my phone died. Didn't want you worrying."  My heart returned to it's regular beat, and I felt foolish.  In my defense though I must say that I have got the accident call before....3 times to be exact...so my fear in not totally unfounded!
    Along with that comes the fear of what each of my kids are doing when they are away from the nest.  Typical teenage behavior does not seem so typical when it's my own children. Couple that with the knowledge that they are still searching, questioning, and testing their wings...and yes, I'm not too proud to admit that they have not always made the best choices. Needless to say there is a little fear going on here at my end.

3rd verse:
    Went to visit my mom and dad this morning.  Just a drop in visit which are the best!  As I sat and watched my mom's hand tremble while she sipped her coffee, then struggle to get dressed, I realized that she is aging every day, and it is very evident now.  My dad then came home and mentioned that he had fallen in the restaurant  parking lot where he meets his buddies each day.  Once again...my heart is in my throat.  Feelings of protectiveness, love, and longing for the days when they were strong and their footsteps sure rose within me.  It was extra hard to say good-bye to them this morning.

    
Among all of these small, everyday events I know that God is woven. 
His words come out of my husbands mouth... 
His watchful eyes are on my children...
His strong hands are there to help lead my parents through this last season of their lives...
and when I take the time to ask Him, to invite Him into my day, 
His love can make me unafraid.

This song is mine today...and I claim it. Hope you enjoy

UNAFRAID

(Amy Grant/Wayne Kirkpatrick)

Woke up this morning

with you in our bed

going over and over

everything you said

Who taught you how to speak

the words that you say

I've always wanted to

be talked to that way

Love has made

has made you unafraid

Watching my children

finding their way

thru struggles and triumphs

and heartbreak

I hope the roads they take

Are making them strong

I'll still be on my knees

Long after they're gone

Love has made

Love has made

Love has made

Has made me unafraid

My lovely mother

Is getting on in years

And the way her body's aging

brings her girls to tears

The way she trembles with

each effort she makes

She just says Heaven's

getting closer each day

Love has made

Love has made

Love has made

Has made her unafraid

Love could make

Love can make

Love will make

Make you unafraid…

 

Writers Block...and Fear

Staring at this white box...blank except for this first sentence.
Why am I feeling so nervous?
At a loss for words? 
Wanting to say I'm sorry?
Such silliness...but that's how I feel.
I've been gone from my blog because I've been without a working computer. 
I've explained this before...why do I feel that I need to explain again?
Apologizing is something I think I overdo.
It's not as if I've let down anyone.  We, who love to blog, throw our words out there because we HAVE to. It's an urge, a nudging, a need.
I'm sure that there hasn't been anyone out there mad because for some reason Breathe...Shine...Love...hasn't had any new posts for a couple months.  It's my own insecurities, ones I don't even realize I still have that rear their ugly heads and try to hold me back from JUST DOING! That whisper for me to just be quiet...give up.
I've been living my life...writing my story each day with my actions, feelings and prayers.
It's time to give some voice to that story.
So...freeing myself of any guilt.
Typing aimlessly so that black words dance across this white box...any words will do at this point!
Relishing in the fact that my computer is up and I can blog...even if I'm the only one looking at it.
Delighted that I can once again use this space as another way to give life to my 2011 Word of the Year....create.
Rejoicing in the fact that this post is done.
Now blog life can slowly get back to normal.
Hello me...it's good to be back.

A Blog? Really? What's That?

Question:  Has anyone else ever wondered if they are in a foreign country where everyone speaks the same language? The language that you DON'T speak?

Since I have lived in a foreign country and did not speak the language (well, except for the essentials such as "Where is the toilet?", "Half kilo of ground beef please.", or "I'm sorry!) I know that feeling of being dazed and confused.

So the next question is: Why did I ever think I could write a blog? More specifically: Why did I ever think I could write a blog since I didn't speak the language? 

Tonight, I was looking at some blogs where the topic was to compile a list of 10 tips you would give a new blogger.  As I started to read through some of them I was stunned. 
I repeat...stunned!
I really am speaking a different language because I didn't understand over half of what was being said!  

Culture shock!

RSS and Google FriendConnect icons on my page?  Facebook and Twitter buttons to connect? (Hmmm...I have a Facebook but didn't know it connects!)

Blog button?  Do I HAVE a blog button? Is that anything like a belly button?

Memes? Branding? Blog Frog? Klout?
Digg? Technorati? Reddit? Stumble?

Are we still speaking English here?!

The idea to write down some of my thoughts and feelings seemed so much simpler when I started this back at the beginning of the year.  My goal was simply to create...in whatever form that took.
Now, I'm a little worried that I haven't found my "voice".
I'm a blogger that is a bit all over the spectrum. 
Some say that's confusing. 
I prefer to say I'm eclectic.

Seriously, I'm sure the tips I've been reading are awesome...fabulous...life (well, at least blog) changing.
I can't wait to implement them.
But first, I need a course on how to speak Blog-ish.
Anyone care to join me?
   

Best Laid Plans....Again

I had the best of plans.

I posted that I was "baaaacckkk" a week ago after a long absence.

I couldn't wait to get back to my comfy chair, my writing desk that has my favorite inspirational items on it, and blog happy posts
 to my heart's content.

I was excited to participate in Six Word Fridays, Mama Kat,
Sunday Citar, and The Red Dress Club.
I was thrilled at the thought of reconnecting with my blogging friends.
I thought I had it all planned.

Then I got the early morning phone call.

Phone calls that come in the darkness of night

or first breath of dawn

are rarely ones that we want to answer.

It was a call I had been anticipating,
but not emotionally prepared for.

A very close friend of mine was taken to the hospital.
Her cancer has spread from her cervix....to her spleen...to her lungs.
She got the news that life for her was soon to be over.
Two weeks to ten months is what the experts say.

She is young....36 years old.
She  has a wonderful husband....Lucas.
She has two beautiful children....
Noah...8 years old
Emily...5 years old
She has a faith that is inspiring to all around her.
She has a beauty that shines from within.
Her name is Carrie...
and she is loved.

So those plans I had been making fell to the wayside...
as they should.
Carrie and Lucas are part of our small church group.
In fact Lucas and I lead the group of 9.
We always say we are a family, and this was the time to show that.
The phone calls started.
The 3 hour round trips to the hospital began.
The holding of hands, wiping of tears, praying of hearts, and
finding laughter in the darkness began.

The journey of saying goodbye began.

I have never been on this journey before.
I've never sat with and loved someone as they faced death.
No matter how heart wrenching,
I know it is a gift...
and a privilege...
and a time of grace.
 Still I couldn't help but think of plans.

How will we do this?
How will we do that?
How do we ease the burdens...lighten the load...show the love?
And in a moment of clarity,
I heard Him.

Don't plan...just be.

Be present in each moment
whether busy doing tasks that need to be done,
or offering comfort and shared prayers,
just be.

So, my best laid plans have changed.
My planned post topics have changed.
Life has changed for us all.
I know there are lessons I am to learn
on this journey.
And I ask for your wisdom, patience, and prayers as we
travel along.

I am going to do my best to start visiting all of you again.
I need the connection.
I need the inspiration.
I need the laughter.
I need to just be.
And you, my blogging friends, help me with all of that.
I'll be seeing you!

I'm Baaaaacccck!

Wow!

I truly think I forgot how to post!  I've been gone for a long time.  Although I'm not making excuses I must say that my reasons were valid.

1) Crazy, busy graduation time and closing up the classroom for the summer.

2) Wonderful trip back to Switzerland (where we used to live), Italy, and France.

      

     and, the most important reason...... 

3) A broken laptop!! 

  I must just say I've missed you all.  I realized how much a part of my daily life many of your blogs have become. 

So, if it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.....I am abosolutely over-the-moon in love with all of you!  :)

Looking forward to getting back in the swing of things.    xoxo

Joy In Spite Of Myself

Longed to write about joy today.
Other things got in the way.
Work to do, bills to pay.
Time is short, little to say.
Still...confident joy will surface anyway!


*5 minute poem before I rush off to work, but  I really wanted to contribute something today.  I miss everyone!

Inspired by:   Six Word Fridays~  word is Joy

The Best Laid Plans

I woke up this morning eager to get outside and begin planting the flowers that have been waiting so patiently, in their pots and flats, for their new home.  We are preparing for a big party celebrating our oldest son's graduation. We are expecting A LOT of people. We are not ready. 

When I awoke, the eagerness faded as I saw the gray skies outside. We have experienced days upon days of rain here. Trying to be optimistic, I told myself that the earth will be softer....easier to work with after this week long monsoon.  But as I stopped outside and my feet sunk an inch into the grass and water puddled around my footprint....my optimism waned a bit. 

I wanted to be outside before the day got too hot.  However, 52 degrees is a bit nippy for me when it's combined with the wet ground and damp air.  I wimped out and came back inside.  The plants will have to wait a bit more for "moving day".

There is much to be done inside.  Rooms to be organized and cleaned...little (and some big) repairs that we have learned to live without doing...menu to plan...calls to be made...pictures to organize...the list goes on.  Rest assured, there is plenty to keep me occupied inside.  But like a spoiled child I wanted to stomp my feet and whine, "Noooooo....I want to plant my pretty flowers todaaaaaaaaay!"  I craved that time of communion with God as I worked outside.

It looks like God has other plans...and, after my momentary tantrum,  I've graciously decided to just flow with them. Of course, what else can I do?  Yet, I have decided to face this Saturday with a smile, to let peace precede where stress wants to lead, and to bask in the sense of accomplishment that occurs when completing any task...big or small.

It seems as if my communion with God will be done over dirty dishes and messy closets.  Repairing damage rather than adding beauty .  On further reflection, I think maybe that's what was meant for me today.  Repair, clean, and organize the internal as I work on the external.

The flowers will still be there...waiting to bring their beauty...tomorrow.

Kept In My Heart

Pictures scattered as I sort them.
Piles of baby smiles, smeared cake,
Wobbly bike rides, missing front teeth,
Each brings a smile, a memory
I've kept them in my heart.

First day of school, grin wide
Backpack bigger than your little body.
Sending you, without me to buffer
The social customs, the language barrier
But you were sure and confident.
You were right, my worries unfounded.

Today...your last day of school.
Tousled hair..grumpy on being woken.
You want it over...you're ready
To move on..conquer the world.
Different feelings than the first day.
No snapshots this  morning you say.
Save it for the graduation day.
I try to respect your wishes
I quickly snap a mind picture.
Your smile, your scowl, your nonchalance
To be kept in my heart.

The worries that I still have
Hoping you make the good choices.
Sending you, without me to buffer
Into college life, all the responsibilities.
You are still sure and confident.
I pull the memories from deep
Kept for all these many years
For a moment such as this.
You were right that first day.
Reassure myself that you're right today.

I can't keep you to myself.
The world is ready for you.
You're ready for the world.
God bless and keep you, Son.

Inspired by the word~ Kept

Truth, Shame, and the Crazy, Busy Lives We Lead

I'm sitting here tonight...hands poised over the keyboard. Not only do I have stage fright since I've only posted once this whole month, I've also forgot how to do simple things. 

Two months ago I posted this. I talked about my Word of 2011 which is create.  Yet, here I am, again, and I have not been creating. I've been back working full time, hubby is home recuperating after surgery, and we are preparing for our oldest son to graduate. These plans include an Open House party for about 300 people.  Literally, I feel as if the world has been spinning at warp speed, and I'm barely hanging on. 

I'm not trying to wine whine.  I know that we are all busy, and my burdens are bearable. What I'm trying to figure out is why, when life gets crazy, I still slide into my default setting....which is to stop taking care of myself.

I am avoiding looking at mirrors.  I am avoiding looking at my house.  I am even avoiding looking at my family.  I am doing what needs to be done but I am not doing it with the same sense of joy that I have in the past.  What little I have in me I am pouring out to others...and in the process leaving little behind for myself. 

That voice of compassion that I extend to others I am not extending to myself.  That acceptance that I offer to others is not so easily offered to myself.  That feeling of hope that I have in my heart for those that are struggling is not alive in my heart for myself.

I just started reading another book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown. The book deals with the subject of women and shame.  Before I started reading her work I would have said that I don't carry shame inside. Yet, I know now that I did..and I do...I just called it by other names....embarrassment...poor self-esteem...guilt.  I am now naming it for what it is, and I'm learning to practice shame resilience with courage and compassion.

But...I have a long way to go.

Back to my post on my word for the year...create.  I think when I am not honoring myself, when I am not valuing who I am, I smother my creative spark...my voice.  I don't feel that I should post anything that is less than uplifting or inspiring. In doing so, I am not being authentic.

So tonight...this is me.  In all my authenticity...in all my openness...sharing what my struggle, at least for today is.  I hope that in all of this vast Blogsphere there is one woman who will "get" me.  One woman who can say, "Yes!  I know how she feels."  Because in this great beautiful gift that is  my life, I have learned that to be connected to others is the only way I can experience true joy. 

Connectedness to God and to others...that is the light that carries me home.

It feels good to be back, even though I am not writing the lighter, happy post that I wanted to return with.  Yet, this is the truth. This is me. 
And the truth I know is......that this too will pass. These feelings ebb and flow...just like the rhythms of my days. 

I am looking forward to "seeing" more of you, my blog friends.  I have been MIA, and I may not be around consistently until I learn how to better manage my life. But I am here now...in this moment...creating something by sharing part of my story...and it feels good!

   Stop by for a visit!



Sweetness At Thirteen

Tonight was sweet...

and the reason was my little girl.

Maybe I should clarify and say she is MY little girl,

but, at 13 years of age,

she is not a little girl to anyone else.

(Well...except to her daddy and papa.)

She is an enigma at times.

All those hormones surging,

and not quite sure what to do with them

she can release them on me.

With eye rolls, indignant voice, or just the closed door...

which in itself speaks volumes,

I am not often on her "favorite" list

for more than a few minutes at a time.

But, tonight....yes tonight!

She asked ME if I wanted to go run

on the boardwalk...

with her.

Gasp!

Seriously, she will laugh with me,

but that is usually in the privacy of our home.

To actually invite me to accompany her...

in public...

to a place where her friends could see her

running along side her middle age mom

is a rare honor.

And I say that without a touch of sarcasm.

So...

we ran.

Although my feet hurt from the long day,

and my emotions were raw from some hurtful events,

we ran.

We walked when I needed a break.

We laughed.

We made fun of each others music as I took her for ice cream.

We laughed.

We arrived home and found her dad and brothers

draped upon the living room furniture watching the news.

So she and I took the floor.

She came to me fresh from the shower

and asked me to french-braid her wet hair.

She wanted rolling waves for school tomorrow.

I braided...remembering how many times I've done this task.

And then,

she curled up, her head upon my lap,

and I forgot to breathe.

I touched her hair, her back, and stroked her arm lightly.

I blinked...

and she jumped up to go reply to a text.

But I had that moment.

Actually,

I had moments tonight.

They were rare and therein, lies their beauty.

There was a day I took the hugs, laughter and hands-on care

for granted.

But that day is long gone.

Yes,

tonight was sweet.

And the reason was my little girl.